Why I Needed To Grieve Before Moving Forward

Maricris Bonzo
4 min readDec 23, 2018

For those of you who are new, or for everyone else who haven’t picked up any of the clues yet…I was recently let go from my Developer Advocacy role because I accidentally crossed a crucial marketing-related boundary that should never be crossed, which ultimately compromised the trust between me and our core engineering team (a vital connection to have as a Dev Advocate).

The very same day I received the news, I went into defense mode and decided that the only way to feel better was to start working twice as hard by studying new cloud related content and writing a blog about it every. single. day. I know, pretty badass right? Well, kind of…not really. I later learned that this wasn’t the best way to move forward because on top of subconsciously having extremely low self-esteem and feeling completely embarrassed, I was also drained and pressured to look like I’m still on top of my shit to everyone else.

So, last Monday I decided not to give a fuck anymore about my fear of looking like a complete failure. And yeah, that meant taking a break off from IG (the one social media I use the most).

A Week Off

I wanted to step away from internet engagement to give myself the proper time I needed to grieve the loss of what I thought was the perfect job for me. I’ve been candid with all of you, so I’ll just continue by saying that my week off involved a lot of crying, eating, sleeping, playing with my two dogs and watching New Girl, some meditating and working out, and a little bit of reading. In other words, I did absolutely no work. It was time gloriously spent imo. And even though I wasn’t productive at all, I still gained a wad of personal insights out of it.

Things I Learned About Myself

  • I love living in Seattle and would love to continue living here. (Why Seattle? I honestly have no idea. For some reason, I just feel like I’m at home here.)
  • I based 75% of my self-confidence on my job. (Lesson learned: Self-confidence comes from feeling more in alignment with who I truly am, which is a badass Filipino woman who has overcome adversity and has come out stronger every single time.)
  • I never, ever want to go back to college and try to finish my degree. (Why? College isn’t for me. I understand how valuable a degree is for most people. But I’m one of those who would much rather learn what I want to learn from others in a not so college-stressful way. In other words, I’d rather pay my dues in other, personally, more fun ways.)

A General Life Vision

Since I chose to stay in Seattle, I started looking for open Software Engineering positions. And while I was making a list of tech companies I planned on applying for, I started thinking some deep shit about life.

I mean, think about it. We only have 100 years to live, and tomorrow is never promised. So having a general vision of how you want to make good use of this one freaking life doesn’t sound like a bad idea! I’m not going to delve into my perfect life plan, but the one thing I will mention is that it’s my goal to find a tech role that is somewhat in alignment to what I’d like to accomplish later on in life.

My New Plan

Is a derivative of my previous plan, though a little more refined to be realistic and in tune with my primary goal of getting a new Software Engineering job. My life for the next 2–3 months will involve:

  • Re-doing lessons #0–4 of the c0d3 curriculum in both JavaScript & Go. (JS because I need to polish up & Go because it’s a neat, popular cloud software language.)
  • Attempting/learning at least 3 LeetCode questions per day.
  • Developing MVP of Woga.
  • Continuing to write (shorter) blogs which answer cloud-related questions from Monday-Friday.
  • Continue reading on my spare time (Cracking the Coding Interview, The Phoenix Project, The DevOps Handbook, Docker Deep Dive, Kubernetes Up & Running, Cloud Native Infrastructure, The GO Programming Language).
  • Working out, meditating, and refraining from alcohol to keep myself in alignment with my goals.

I know, that seems like a lot. But remember, I have the entire day to do anything. So, I’m going to try to pull a healthy, daily (shall we call it bad-ass?) habit this upcoming week and will let y’all know how it goes next Sunday.

That’s it for today,

For those of you who have just been let go from what you thought was your dream job, I encourage you accept defeat, learn from the experience and embrace the fall. Take some time off from the busyness of modern life to cope with the loss; pamper yourself up with food, favorite shows, meditations and whatever the hell it is that makes you feel good.

Oh, and don’t forget to flip both middle fingers to all of your doubts, fears, or completely false negative statements you’ve made about yourself. None of them are true. You’re a badass, and you will make it out of this one much stronger than any of the other hardships you’ve faced.

And when you’re ready (and by ready, I mean you’ll get the same feeling I got of wanting to be productive again), I recommend re-evaluating your life, goals or aspirations and use whatever comes out of that as a guide to help you choose your next adventure.

Alright, see y’all tomorrow! But if you want to stay in touch until then, catch me on 💁Twitter, Youtube or Instagram.